18 June 2012

yesterday, hmmm...

our pastor is sharing on the book of James. so far he has taken us thru chapter one. yesterday, he shared on doing the Word. i find it a bit hard at times to "do" the Word. i find myself finding excuses to put off doing. other times, i just flat out refuse.

after he shared on James 1:19-27, pastor shared a list of what a husband should continue doing even after marriage. here is what i wrote down:

1)Ephesians 5:25 - LOVE
2)Song of Solomon 2:2 - PURSUE
3)Genesis 2:24 - Put in their place
4)I Peter 3:7 - Don't take for granted
5)Proverbs 5:15-18 - Keep eyes on her alone
6)Song of Solomon 8:1 - Do what u say
7)Esther 5:3 - Provide and be generous

as i listened, i wrote each one down, i saw where i think my husband could use some work. but the first 2 on the list r reciprocal if u think it thru. not only should a man continually love and pursue his wife, the wife should continually love and pursue her husband. i have seen it where the woman is the only pursuer and i have seen it where the man is the only pursuer. neither scenario gives good results the majority of the time. i have been on the expecting end a lot of the time. in the beginning of our relationship, i wanted to please my husband and show him that i loved him and him alone. i had no idea what i was getting into but i knew i loved him. i gently pursued him by being where i knew he would be. showed him my love by spending time with him and just hanging out. after our marriage, i did my best to show my love for him by encouraging him in what he wanted to do. however my pursuing of him almost completely vanished. since we were married, i had him, right?
wrong thinking on my part. he still had eyes for former girlfriends. he would talk about them and i would listen. he paid no attention to how this hurt me cause i covered it up. the fear of rejection in my life was so strong that i covered up the pain and hurt. the anger grew. deep down i knew i loved my husband but, i was having a time believing that he truly loved me. he tried pursuing me a bit more but since sex turned me off, he often lost interest. once, i pursued him by having him find notes our kids helped me write. it was a fun game to play on him. he truly enjoyed it. but that's the extent of my pursuing him. he has never done anything like for me.
my love-bond to my husband runs deeper than some. however, the love i "feel" from my husband is not as deep as it could be. i find that my husband tends to put me in my place the majority of the time. thus the "feeling" i have that his love for me is not as deep. what a "feeling" i get when my husband actually asks me to be with him. yet not long after, his words tear at me so deeply, that my pain and hurt must be hidden and not a word spoken. u see, i am held accountable for my past. no matter how much the present has been changed. in my husband's eyes i have not moved past certain things. so as u can imagine, i do share much with my husband. my "wonderful" ideas r rarely uttered. if i have thought something thru, i speak to my husband about it. most of the time, it is shot down ever so gently and at other times, i can't even get a word in for my own defense.
one thing pastor said that hit a very deep hurt was on spending money. everytime i ask my husband for something i would like to have, and even sometimes for things i need, his response is usually, "it takes money" or "we don't have it". but the minute, he sees something he wants, the money is all of a sudden there. here's an example:
a few years back, we went to FRY'S for something. i wandered off to the video section. as i scoured the videos, i found a collector's edition of "the bourne trilogy". when i saw the cost, $95, i hoped that my husband would get it. but i knew that it was only hoping. i also found the box set of the seven star trek movies. their cost, nearly $200. after my husband was finished, he found me and i took him to show and ask for the bourne trilogy. he said, "we don't the money." i then took him to where i found the star trek movies. i immediately saw the wheels turning in his head on how to be able to "afford" it. because i had my sunglasses on, my husband could not see the hurt he was causing in me. i put a smile on my face when he asked if it was ok to get them. apparently, he totally forgot that we couldn't afford these. i, of course, said, "sure, i want u to have them." all the while hoping that he would see what he was doing. he never even thought twice about what he was doin'. however, he did almost put them back. but he convinced himself, that the cost would be worth it and i also said it was ok.
there r many examples i could write about but i won't. i have recently been given an embroidery machine by my husband. i have wanted one for a long time. however, it is not a combo but i like it none-the-less. i am learning how to make beautiful designs on fabric and integrating it with the fabric art i already do. however, there is a problem with how much i can do with it. i finally found out how much the program i need is, $1600. this will let me do everything i want. my husband was with me when i found out the cost, he nearly fell over. i knew that it was stretching it a bit on my part in hoping that he would let me have it. but it's par for the course in my marriage. i am still waiting to purchase the embroidery program.
over the years, my husband has received a lot of nice things to make his chores and work easier. and i have given my blessing with a full heart in hopes that he would one day do the same for me. but i have come to the realization that i get nothing without earning it first. it's a hard lesson to learn. but if that's the only flaw my husband has, i am willing to wait on God to work continually on me. God is working on my husband and i see it. but i find myself searching myself to see what else God can fix in me. am i wrong? it won't be the first or last time if i am wrong.
to love as deep as i do, a lot of prayer, hurt, pain, and yes joy has happened in my life. heck, i'm still trying to choose the right path each day. i am learning to rest in God's arm and let Him take care of my hurt, pain, and all. so i walk, wait, hope, and pray that my relationship with my husband is as clean as it can be. it ain't easy, nor is it "fun" all the time. but it is definitely worth it.
my husband's strength lies in a deep commitment to me. u should see how hard he works. he has a strong mind, body, and soul. his mind figures out complicated problems on his job. his body makes sure the house, yard and vehicles r in good working order and clean. his soul enjoys the times he has with family and friends. so u see, there's only that one part in him that bothers me. one day, i will not be bothered by it because God will have "fixed" my thinking. so i must take my thoughts and put them under scrutiny of God's word and be the DOER of that Word. and God's Word says, "to live justly and walk humbly with our God". of that i will continue to strive. but in all my striving, i will DO the other, "be still, and know that I am God".

time to return to real life...