28 August 2012

missing u


today is my dad's 71st birthday. however, he has long since passed on.

i was wondering y i was so blah today. then i saw the day on the calendar. August 28th.
it has been a long time since i was able to hug my dad, talk to him, call him on the phone, or just laugh with him. the pic in my head right now is him in his workshop creating something using saws, wood, nails, and screws. it is how i remember him. the next pic in my head has him standing at the pulpit, sharing God's Word with the small congregation God had given him. still another pic is of him beaming when i graduated CFNI. he was so very proud of me. he couldn't stop smiling. and the pic i have seen many times at my mom's home, dad looking at my mom while playing with dolphins. i miss him so much. my hubby does not understand. only those who have gone thru similar circumstances as mine can.
the tears aren't as bad as when i first lost him, but they r still there. the pain of losing him has definitely lessened but is still felt. the joy of knowing i will one day soon see him again, brings a smile and quiet joy to my heart and mind.
i love and miss u dad.
until we see each other again...

until next time...

21 August 2012


i am hurting and tears have welled up in my eyes. y? because of what i have read on posts from my oldest daughter.

my thoughts on this matter r scattered so i apology if i don't make sense at times. i hope u will understand the heart of a mother.

my oldest daughter and her hubby have blessed Ken and i with 2 grandchildren. we love them so much.
when she had her first baby, i made myself available to help. however, she pushed me away unless it was convenient for her. mostly when they needed food, diapers, or gas. any advise i gave was usually brushed away. she thought she knew it all. but she soon found out that she didn't, but she wouldn't admit it to me. she went to all of her friends.
our granddaughter is loved so don't get any other idea. however, her mother is very protective of her. so much so, that saxon isn't allowed to play like most kids can; ie: in the dirt, mud, and just plain getting good and dirty. saxon's clothes have to be color coordinated down to the bow or clip in her hair. all that's good and well but i firmly believe in letting children be children and play like children should. but not my daughter.
a couple yrs l8r, a grandson was born to my oldest daughter. joe is all boy! u can see the love his sister has for him. and like most boys, he's definitely a momma's boy. tho he's getting better when he stays with us. his crying isn't lasting as long.
my daughter has always wanted to work and be a provider for her family along with her hubby, who works hard and long hrs. she has found a job that fits her but isn't too crazy about the hrs. but because she is family oriented, she has accepted the job. kudos to her. however, she has once again brushed me aside. because i am charging her $20 a week to watch joe, she has chosen to look elsewhere. on top of that, my daughter would need someone to pick up her daughter from pre-k and maybe even take her to school.
because of the previous dealings i have had with my daughter, i had to make a very hard choice between charging her to watch joe and not charging her. her actions toward me previously has shown me that if i don't stand up for myself, i would continually be taken advantage of.
without sharing everything, my oldest daughter hasn't always been the most gracious toward me. i have often cried silently to God. my hubby has seen the way she treats me and how it tore me up. it was he who told me to start charging her to watch the kids.
when saxon has drill team, i charge my daughter $1 to watch joe. it's not much, but it has made my daughter think long and hard. i put those dollars on my nightstand. not sure what i will do with the money.
and tonite, i read that my daughter is looking for someone to watch her kids so she can work this new job she just took. being a mother, i want to call her and tell i'll take the kids. but if i do, will i be treated with respect or disdain. so i don't even write in the comments nor will i offer. she will have to be the one to come to me. however, she will be quite shocked when i tell her that i will charge her for my time. and it won't be no $20 for 2 kids.
my hubby said i need to stand up and somehow let her know that i will not be taken advantage of. i am not a "walking mat" or "afterthought".
as i thought about what hubby said, "i looked at what my mom was doin' in missouri with watching her grandson and the in-laws 2 boys. she charged them a set amount each month. and the in-laws aren't "rich". the mother is a nurse goin' to school for her PA and their dad is a computer geek. so u can imagine the way they have to balance the budget. but they have no problem giving mom the money to watch the boys.
so as i continued to contemplate on this very difficult choice, i saw that there were pros to being paid to watch the kids. the one big con is that my daughter would be offended. but u know what, let her. she says her friends will be there for her, let 'em.
my tears will dry up and the pain will lesson. and the hurt will eventually dissipate. but how much time will it take for my daughter to see what she has done. i know it takes time to learn some lessons in life. but y can't this lesson be learned more quickly? y must she continually brush me aside and fight what i have already gone thru. i love my daughter so much. she is my first born. but most importantly, i made the choice to give birth to her. she has overcome so much in her life. i am very proud of her. if she would only accept what i have learned and apply it to herself.
in the above post, i have left out one very important person that has been there all the time. Holy Spirit has helped me get thru the pain and hurt. but the tears r just under the surface when i read some of her posts. God reminds me to pray for her. God is definitely working in her life. i can see it. but like all of us, there is lots more to do.
so i sit and wait. but i am moving on with my life. i am looking again for a job. but my real desire is to design beautiful fabric art. my youngest daughter does great art work. one of a kind designs that no one else has. but it's a dream, the money i need for the expensive embroidery program just isn't there.
so i focus on me and my hubby. i pray for my children and hope for the best.

now i am feeling better. the tears have dried up for now. i know that God will lead my daughter and me and, one day, healing.

until next time...