24 February 2013

bike ride

today i did my first 26 mile ride with my hubby on the white rock trails.,
we started just a couple miles north of Forest Ln at about 1430 hrs. ken was able to ride at speed but i am still getting my stamina, cadence, and speed up to where i can keep up with him. so, i trailed him most of the day.
after the first 10 miles i stopped and hydrated myself and did so every 5 miles after that. i figured it would be a good pace for me as well as small goals to meet. because of me being a lot slower than my hubby, he was continually checking on me. so glad for the walkie talkies. it saved him from having to backtrack a lot.
i really didn't look at the surroundings much as i was always telling myself to keep goin'. it was quite difficult at times because the wind was very strong, about 15-20 miles with gusts even stronger. i did however take time to look around when i stopped to drink water.
i am so sore right now. my butt is what hurts the most. u see,sitting on the bike seat, even with padding, can be very sore. i have to get what is called a "bikers butt". then it won't be so bad. until then, i suffer with the pain. 8) but it's definitely worth it as i am spending time with my hubby as well as exercising.
i am so tired right now but i feel so good.
after the bike ride, we changed clothes, put the bikes away and went for a good salad at Olive Garden. there we had the all u can eat salad and breadsticks with an appetizer. that's all. it was just perfect!
can't wait to do it again! eventually, i will be able to put on a cargo trailer and go shopping for groceries at our nearby market.. i am so looking forward to that. 8) well, better call it a nite as i am so tired and sore.
until next time....


19 February 2013


August 1998

the journey for Brahka and me began on August 30th. she was born as the runt of a litter of 4 pups from our rescue dog Lady. Brahka was very small but fought for every meal from her mother. i chose the runt to keep for my own and asked God to make her a pup that would follow me everywhere. when she was weaned Brahka moved from her mothers bed to my pillow right above my head..
Brahka looked just her mother. she had the tan/brown fur with a dark stripe down her back, that lightened as the years went by. Her ears stood strait up and she looked like Yoda at times with her expressions and ear movements, which got her the nickname Yoda from my husband. i like to call her puppers. She was short legged with the wired-haired carine terrier look, the jack russel leap, and great disposition.

as Brahka grew she played and got underfoot a lot. i was beginning to wonder if i should have asked for something else from God when i asked God for a dog that would follow me everywhere. but i was glad to have a pet that was mine and that loved me and followed. she continued to sleep on my pillow for almost a full year.

in the winter of 1999, we lost her mother, Lady, by way of our doberman, who was subsequently put down. a new dog entered our family in the form of a border collie, who is a much better family dog. the two dogs became good buddies. Brahka began taking care of the new puppy like it was her own. Kaylee continued to get bigger and bigger as border collies r medium-sized dogs but Brahka never stopped mothering her.

thru the years, the 2 dogs entrenched themselves into the family. vet visits, tho expensive, were done with care and treats. about 2002 or 2003, they both tested positive for heartworm and were put on treatment for about 1 year. with checkups every 6 months. the final test for heartworm was complete 3 yrs later. both dogs were free of the thing but placed on the heartworm prevention IVERHART PLUS and it has done very well for both dogs.

in late 2007, we almost lost Brahka. my youngest daughter found her under my sewing table half dead. our other dog, Kaylee was a bit aggressive towards her according to my daughter. Katie called us and at first we thought it was Kaylee until we arrived home. it was Brahka. Katie had brought her out to the car and then headed for an open vet hospital. with it being a saturday, our regular vet was not open so we took her to a vet hospital that was. they immediately took her back to a room and started working on her. they did not give much hope for her but gave every effort to bring her back. she was in the hospital for about a week. they were able to bring her back but never figured out what caused her body to shut down. none of the tests they did on her showed anything specific. so i nursed her back to her old self following the instructions given with meds. i was so happy to have her back. within a month, she was chasing Kaylee around again.
Brahka has been the best friend a girl could ask for. she was there each time i returned home from being out jumping up and down. her favorite place to be petted/scratched was on her tummy. when u reached down to pet her, she would immediately roll on her back and expose her tummy. and because of that, i had her jump in my arms so i could scratch her tummy without having to bend over. she also had a way of "talking" with her yipes and sounds she made. each nite around 2100 hrs, she would sit and look at me or my hubby. just sit there staring at us. if that didn't get our attention, she would give a little quiet yipe. it was her way of telling us it was time for treats. Kaylee did not ask for treats, but was ready if they were being handed out. Brahka would lick my hubby's legs as if "getting on his good side" as she impatiently waited for us to get the treats. once treats were given, she daintily took it and scooted off to eat it.
another time she would "talk" is when she had to go outside to do her business. once again, she would sit and look at u, just staring at u. if that didn't work, she would place her paws on my leg if i was sitting, or jump up and down to get my attention as she hit my legs. those usually got my attention. (tho at times, i would do it on purpose just to have her jump on me.) when she was ready to come back in, she would stand at the door and "look". the funniest thing. if she saw me or my hubby, she would wag her tail or sit down and shake like she was cold and give u those sad puppy dog eyes as best she could. she usually got let in but other times, she had to stay outside. my Brahka was definitely an indoors dog. a few times we would her a clanking of paws and nails on the glass window door. we looked, saw Brahka trying to "break" the glass to get in cuz she didn't want to stay outside. she wanted to be where i was. i had to clean the bottom of the glass door because of that on a regular basis. such a great dog.

many a nite my hubby would have his feet licked as he lay in bed goin' to sleep. she was known as the lickinest dog around. her tongue never stopped. if she was sitting/lying down, u could see her cleaning herself or grooming. we teased how her tongue was the length of her body. we often witnessed her cleaning Kaylee's ears regularly as her tongue seemed to be long enough to reach way down the ear canal. Brahka would also lick anything else she could reach. she really liked licking noses. so when our grandchildren were on the floor, she would do her best to clean their faces. my daughter did not like that. so we had to put our puppers outside.

my puppers, how i miss her.
this mornin' between 0900 and 1000 hrs, we said goodbye.

in August 2012, i noticed a lump growing in her abdomen. told my hubby about it and he said it was just a fatty mass, similar to what Kaylee had earlier that year. but i knew it wasn't. but because of the situation at home i did not push it. i continued to watch it, knowing that in February 2013, they would go in for their yrly checkup. the lump continued to grow and became quite hard. still i waited without saying anything more to my hubby. from the time i checked it in January to the time of the dogs vet app't February 15th, the lump had grown twice as large and now involved 2 of the right side teats in her abdomen.
the day of their app't, Kaylee was examined first. her's was routine and she was given the required shots. then it was Brahka's turn. when i lifted her up i showed Dr. Ann what i was so concerned about. her face said it all even before the word "malignant" was spoken. i saw in her expression of surprise a sadness. i placed Brahka on the table and Dr. Ann looked her over and gave her the shots. she then examined the mass a bit more closely. i asked about a biopsy to find out what it might be. x-rays were taken three spots were found in her lungs, i knew in my heart that they were cancer. but i said nothing. Dr. Ann said they were nothing and the biopsy/surgery could be done. it was set up for today, Tuesday, February 19, 2013 at 1000 hrs. we left the vet hospital after paying the bill with heavy hearts.
all weekend, i fretted over what to do. my hubby reassured me that surgery was ok with him but if i wanted to stop her pain, that was ok too. i weighed all my options. i thought about the fact that the surgery would be expensive, the fact that Brahka could die on the table, what kind of life she might have after the surgery, and her age, 13yrs. all of this i weighed and could come to only one conclusion. i had to end her suffering. i had already put her thru too much by not taking care of the thing in August. i have kicked myself several times over that.
i made my decision on Monday, February 18th and told my hubby. in my sewing room, i sat and cried as i watched my little puppers try to stay with me but could not bear the pain of the hardness of the carpet. she went to her bed. every so often she would come in and check on me, try to lay down and get comfy but would end up leaving for her soft bed. just before i called it a nite on monday, i remembered her look in the eyes. they were tired and almost totally lifeless. it seems she was trying to hang on for me. thinkin' of this brings tears and sobs to me.
we arrived at the vet hospital at 0845 hrs on Tuesday, February 19th. i lifted Brahka up and placed her on the reception desk with my arms wrapped around her. she was shaking like she was scared. but i held her gently there as i let them know that i would not be doin' the surgery but saying goodbye. after waiting a short time, we were escorted to an exam room. after another short wait, Dr. Ann came in and explained what would happen and had me sign a release giving permission to put Brahka to sleep. when she left, i held Brahka as she stood on the exam table. hubby took a few pics as tears ran down my face. Dr. Ann re-entered the room and gave her a sedative to calm her as she was very alert. 10 minutes later, Dr. Ann came back with the drug to put her down. at approximately 0945hrs, Brahka passed quietly into the arms of her Creator. i stroked her head as she passed, even before the drug was completed. i stroked her head a bit more before picking up her lifeless body, cradling her in my arms, and saying my final goodbye. one of the techs came in and made a paw print from her left front paw. then we left.
it has been less than a day and the tears still fall freely. i know she was an animal but she was part of the family and so very loved by me and my family. she will be sorely missed..

this is the last pic taken before Dr. Ann came in and put her to sleep. it took 10 minutes for the sedative to take affect.

11 February 2013

my thoughts

the first weekend/week of February has already been an adventure.
Feb 1 - my hubby had a scare that took him almost a week to get over. and it still isn't complete but he isn't as tense any more. the whole thing should be done in another month or less.
Feb 5 - i learned that my youngest daughter had been lying to me. tho i had an inkling that she was. i really wanted to believe her. but i found myself questioning what she was telling me. there r just some things a mother knows that can't be explained how or y i know. i just knew something wasn't right. and now i know i was right about it.
Feb 9 - i get to see my youngest daughter as her now fiance' asks her father if he can marry her. she is beaming and he is nervous as all get out.
Feb 10 - i get an explanation from my hubby about the conversation and he feels i betrayed him by not telling him what i knew.
so now i am feeling like blah.
how do u communicate something u haven't come to terms with yourself? i had no idea how to tell him cuz everytime i would try to talk to him, i was told to keep quiet, u can't handle the truth, or it was turned around and blame put on me. how do u talk to someone that has done that thru out. i keep quiet a lot because even i think it is my fault, even when it's not. guess it's just easier to take the blame that try to explain. there is a lot more to it but i won't get into that. i have been trying to live in the now and not in the past. but when all i have is the past to learn from, how do i make the right choice? apparently, i made the wrong choice in this situation. there is so much inside me that wants to come out but doesn't because no one wants to hear what i have to say. the times i do speak, it's to share on a specific topic. sometimes i just want to share what's inside about whatever. but being told to keep quiet most of my life is sometimes difficult to get thru and just speak.
it's the same with crying, whether it be tears of joy of not. i don't cry out loud because i was told to shut up or told, "if u don't stop, i'll give u something to cry about." because of that, i feel like an outsider. i can sometimes feel the stares i get when i don't show the tears or emotions in a tender moment or even in a difficult time. the tears well up in my eyes but i keep them from truly falling until i am alone and then let it go. i find it difficult to let that particular emotion show.
there is so much inside of me that wants to come out but that i have to keep in check just to please others, namely my husband. i admit that being loud watching a ballgame, is a way i release some of the pent up emotion inside me. the full-blown emotion is rather strong.
when it comes to communicating what is inside, is harder. it takes putting thoughts and feelings into words and speaking them. kinda difficult for me. a lot of times my thoughts and words r mixed up and don't make sense. all i am doin' is getting the words out. having the words make sense in the thought i'm trying to convey makes it difficult for the other person, but that don't mean they need to tell me to keep quiet or butt in or even say anything. sometimes, i just need to speak what's on my mind/heart. if not allowed to that, how do i learn?
hopefully, this week will be much less stressful but more "normal".

we'll see....

04 February 2013

just thinkin' out loud

had jury duty watch this mornin' but when i called, they said i wasn't needed. i know it is a privilege to serve on a jury but i am so glad i am not chosen. have never sat on a jury b4. to be honest, i'm nervous about it. it's quite a lot holding someone's life in ur hands and giving a judgement on whether they r guilty or not. i prefer to be dismissed.
i have strong feelings about someone breaking the law. it's horrible when it happens, even if it's just stealing a pack of gum. it's wrong. i was raised to obey the law. i have gotten tickets for speeding, making illegal u-turns, and that sort of stuff. in all cases, i have paid the financial penalty. and i really should not have done those things. it sets back examples for my children and grandchildren.
jury duty is a privilege that some people r very capable of handling but i have not ever wanted to be part of one. there is just too much at stake, not only for the ones on trial but the juror themselves. the decision made will be with them forever. i don't know if i can handle that.

in other news... 8)
i turn the big 5 0 tomorrow. i'm amazed i made it to this age. not sure how much wiser i am but i am grateful that God loves me enough to keep me around here to enjoy life, have relationship with Him, my family, friends, and grandkids. it's just amazing at how God has kept me safe all these years.
hubby is doin' well. tho we had a scare this past weekend. but things r being taken care of. it had to do with our house mortgage. he banged open my sewing room door as he was grabbing his chest and said, "we have to get out from under GreenTree. the stuff i read about that company literally scares me."
he tried sleeping but couldn't really well. i mean hubby was white as a ghost. it scared me but all i did was walk over to him, take both his hands, and give him a hug and pray. i kept my fear from coming out by breathing deep and asking Holy Spirit to keep me calm, which He did. hubby was up before the sun on the phone with Texas Lending and talked to an actual person who helped calm him down and asked him to call back after 0800 hrs. after talking at length with Daniel, hubby had calmed down enough to think strait and not shake so much.
i have never seen him so scared about loosing our home.
Daniel sent paperwork that we electronically signed as well print out paperwork that we signed, scanned in, and sent via email on Saturday. once hubby received confirmation that Daniel had the emails, he was even more calm. process is actually started today as banks r closed on weekends for this sort of thing. we should hear something in a few days.
until we physically sign on the dotted line, hubby won't rest.
i can say this tho, thru it all Holy Spirit has kept me calm. His peace is what has helped me handle the situation. i am grateful for the teaching from my mom. there's a song that says, "when i'm scared, i bow my head and pray like my mother does". and that is exactly what i do. i watched her do it so many times as a child, and even now as an adult, i see my mom bow her head and pray no matter where she is. THANKS MOM! 8)