the first weekend/week of February has already been an adventure.
Feb 1 - my hubby had a scare that took him almost a week to get over. and it still isn't complete but he isn't as tense any more. the whole thing should be done in another month or less.
Feb 5 - i learned that my youngest daughter had been lying to me. tho i had an inkling that she was. i really wanted to believe her. but i found myself questioning what she was telling me. there r just some things a mother knows that can't be explained how or y i know. i just knew something wasn't right. and now i know i was right about it.
Feb 9 - i get to see my youngest daughter as her now fiance' asks her father if he can marry her. she is beaming and he is nervous as all get out.
Feb 10 - i get an explanation from my hubby about the conversation and he feels i betrayed him by not telling him what i knew.
so now i am feeling like blah.
how do u communicate something u haven't come to terms with yourself? i had no idea how to tell him cuz everytime i would try to talk to him, i was told to keep quiet, u can't handle the truth, or it was turned around and blame put on me. how do u talk to someone that has done that thru out. i keep quiet a lot because even i think it is my fault, even when it's not. guess it's just easier to take the blame that try to explain. there is a lot more to it but i won't get into that. i have been trying to live in the now and not in the past. but when all i have is the past to learn from, how do i make the right choice? apparently, i made the wrong choice in this situation. there is so much inside me that wants to come out but doesn't because no one wants to hear what i have to say. the times i do speak, it's to share on a specific topic. sometimes i just want to share what's inside about whatever. but being told to keep quiet most of my life is sometimes difficult to get thru and just speak.
it's the same with crying, whether it be tears of joy of not. i don't cry out loud because i was told to shut up or told, "if u don't stop, i'll give u something to cry about." because of that, i feel like an outsider. i can sometimes feel the stares i get when i don't show the tears or emotions in a tender moment or even in a difficult time. the tears well up in my eyes but i keep them from truly falling until i am alone and then let it go. i find it difficult to let that particular emotion show.
there is so much inside of me that wants to come out but that i have to keep in check just to please others, namely my husband. i admit that being loud watching a ballgame, is a way i release some of the pent up emotion inside me. the full-blown emotion is rather strong.
when it comes to communicating what is inside, is harder. it takes putting thoughts and feelings into words and speaking them. kinda difficult for me. a lot of times my thoughts and words r mixed up and don't make sense. all i am doin' is getting the words out. having the words make sense in the thought i'm trying to convey makes it difficult for the other person, but that don't mean they need to tell me to keep quiet or butt in or even say anything. sometimes, i just need to speak what's on my mind/heart. if not allowed to that, how do i learn?
hopefully, this week will be much less stressful but more "normal".