11 February 2013

my thoughts

the first weekend/week of February has already been an adventure.
Feb 1 - my hubby had a scare that took him almost a week to get over. and it still isn't complete but he isn't as tense any more. the whole thing should be done in another month or less.
Feb 5 - i learned that my youngest daughter had been lying to me. tho i had an inkling that she was. i really wanted to believe her. but i found myself questioning what she was telling me. there r just some things a mother knows that can't be explained how or y i know. i just knew something wasn't right. and now i know i was right about it.
Feb 9 - i get to see my youngest daughter as her now fiance' asks her father if he can marry her. she is beaming and he is nervous as all get out.
Feb 10 - i get an explanation from my hubby about the conversation and he feels i betrayed him by not telling him what i knew.
so now i am feeling like blah.
how do u communicate something u haven't come to terms with yourself? i had no idea how to tell him cuz everytime i would try to talk to him, i was told to keep quiet, u can't handle the truth, or it was turned around and blame put on me. how do u talk to someone that has done that thru out. i keep quiet a lot because even i think it is my fault, even when it's not. guess it's just easier to take the blame that try to explain. there is a lot more to it but i won't get into that. i have been trying to live in the now and not in the past. but when all i have is the past to learn from, how do i make the right choice? apparently, i made the wrong choice in this situation. there is so much inside me that wants to come out but doesn't because no one wants to hear what i have to say. the times i do speak, it's to share on a specific topic. sometimes i just want to share what's inside about whatever. but being told to keep quiet most of my life is sometimes difficult to get thru and just speak.
it's the same with crying, whether it be tears of joy of not. i don't cry out loud because i was told to shut up or told, "if u don't stop, i'll give u something to cry about." because of that, i feel like an outsider. i can sometimes feel the stares i get when i don't show the tears or emotions in a tender moment or even in a difficult time. the tears well up in my eyes but i keep them from truly falling until i am alone and then let it go. i find it difficult to let that particular emotion show.
there is so much inside of me that wants to come out but that i have to keep in check just to please others, namely my husband. i admit that being loud watching a ballgame, is a way i release some of the pent up emotion inside me. the full-blown emotion is rather strong.
when it comes to communicating what is inside, is harder. it takes putting thoughts and feelings into words and speaking them. kinda difficult for me. a lot of times my thoughts and words r mixed up and don't make sense. all i am doin' is getting the words out. having the words make sense in the thought i'm trying to convey makes it difficult for the other person, but that don't mean they need to tell me to keep quiet or butt in or even say anything. sometimes, i just need to speak what's on my mind/heart. if not allowed to that, how do i learn?
hopefully, this week will be much less stressful but more "normal".

we'll see....

1 comment:

  1. Sandi,
    He hasn't acted that way toward you in many many years. He has encouraged you to speak and share. Yes, you are a bit LOUD at times and most of the time he says nothing. He has had to ask you to lower your volume occasionally but he has not and will not tell you to "shut up" or at least any semblance of that in many many years. He had hoped that you would have seen the change in him by now. That he is not your enemy or there to tear you down or disparage you.
    You want to speak and get it out. You have seen him do that with you. He has come to you and stated that "I need to say some things and I would like you to listen please", or something along those lines helps anyway. Instead of coming AT someone with Volume up and aggressiveness. That is where people, including me, have asked you to back off or tone down or whatever. He knows your heart is not aggressive or harsh but that you have trouble communicating between your heart and your tongue. I do too. I don't think there is a person alive who doesn't, though I wonder about the oldest daughter sometimes.
    However, throwing off the issue on to someone else is also not the way to resolve the issue.
    He loves and care about you deeply and cares that you still feel hurt that he had caused in the past and are afraid. I have hoped that in the last years you would have seen the care he has and that your hurts would start to be healed.
    Airing these out on a "public" forum is not the best platform to do this. he has repeatedly told this to the kids as well.
    Talk to him, try him. He is not a monster but your husband.