"the feeling" ...

 

have u ever had a feeling that really bothered u? I have and do right now. it's one that I have had for a over a year and is once again prevalent. this feeling can be very devastating and lead to loneliness.

I have spent many a day, rough late nite, and thinking on this one feeling. this feeling has been evident in my life for many, many, many years. growing up this feeling caused me to feel isolated, lonely, alone in a crowd, and unworthy. I had a hard time making friends cuz I never felt part of the group or wanted at all. becuz of this feeling, I was always on the outside.

finding a husband I thought would not happen cuz I felt ugly. other girls were pretty and fun and everything I wasn't. everything I really wanted somehow was out of reach for me. but I snagged a wonderful man. he had a motorcycle and wanted to share it with me. we rode as often as we could. I still felt unworthy or worthless tho. but now I had a friend that wanted to hang out with me and we did. we got married, had 2 girls, and now have 5 grandchildren with one "in the oven". but I still felt unloved and unwanted. and that feeling started to become prevalent once again. but this time, this feeling actually happened. when my husband was forcibly removed from me on 25 May 2017. how am I living now? how have I kept goin'? only one word: Jesus! becuz of my relationship with Christ Jesus, I have been able to keep my head above water but just barely. this feeling that is very prevalent in my life right now has once again surfaced in an "in your face" kinda way. I am struggling with this feeling.

this feeling I thought I had finally dealt with is not finished messing with me. I dealt with it when I was asked to not attend my mom's wedding in 2017. and now I am facing it again. it's not an easy feeling to get thru nor is it fun.

I have been struggling these past couple years with many "feelings" and emotions. I have faced quite a few things alone for the first time in my life with some support but mostly I was alone. the one thing I faced alone was my relationship with people. I have always wanted a friend but never got one. it was lonely for me. I did everything I could think of. I made time for people, I listened, I gave of myself. still I was not accepted. my relationship with God grew deeper and deeper. with people I was left feeling used and not wanted. even today, I still feel like this. this feeling of not being wanted or being an inconvenience is very disheartening.

how do I get thru this? many times I have cried deep gut wrenching tears. I have lived with this "feeling" for over 30 yrs. yes, my own husband made me feel this way. I have learned to go to Daddy. the pain, however, still stings very hard.

now I am faced with the "feeling" all over again from those I thought would never do something like this. trusting people is already hard for me. and now, trusting people has become a bit more difficult, especially family.

if u think u know what that "feeling" is, good for u. the only people that would know is someone who has been forgotten, left behind, or in prison.

I am walking a road I never thought I would walk. now I will walk it alone in just a few days. many people have helped me and I appreciate all the help. this too is a road I never knew I would walk. it's a road that only God can make happen. all the pain, patient endurance, and the tears have led to. so I walk with my hand tightly holding onto Papa's hand. it's scary but I am not really alone. I have the best friend anyone could have with me. I do have church family that encourage. and at times, I can talk to my mom.

the pain of this "feeling" brings tears even now. but I have my best friend with me and I know I will learn something that God will use later on. my faith will be tested and stretched. I will trust in my God and keep that 'joy of the Lord' as my strength. his AMAZING GRACE is the greatest adventure in life. I am gonna enjoy the adventure ahead of me and share Jesus as I move by "putting one foot in front of the other". Isaiah 41:10 reminds me to not fear. Psalm 23:4 reminds me that the Lord is with me thru the dark valleys and his rod and staff protect and comfort me. so with that I get my feet moving.

 

moved again...the beginning of the end

I arrived home and went strait to my room. I was quite down and hurting. I didn't understand y but I'm sure it was becuz I was about to be homeless in just over a month, my hubby was struggling to live, and I felt like no one was standing with me. it was difficult seeing others cuz was I all up in myself. I didn't understand y I wasn't getting a little bit of what God had said he would do. this gray spirit kinda thing hung heavy over me. it was hard to stay cordial and force myself to "be involved". I had no desire to be involved or do anything. I wondered about a lot of things, one of them being ken and a possible move. I asked God to keep him there but that was not God's plan. so...

 

25 February 2018 I checked the TDCJ website and saw that my hubby was still at Diboll. however, before the day had finished, he was removed from Diboll. I received 2 separate messages from inmate wives telling me Ken "chained out" on Monday. I checked on Tuesday and he was at The Wall. this is a transfer unit inmates stay at until they r assigned a unit. he was at The Wall from 25-27 February 2019 when he was moved to McConnell unit. Ken said he had the best meal in forever. he had no idea y he was being moved of course. they don't tell the inmates that stuff. and if I did not follow the TDCJ website regularly, I would not know where my husband is either. 28 February-01 March 2019 he was located at McConnell unit. by the end of 01 March 2019 he was finally at his destination, Segovia.

Segovia is located in Edinburg, TX. this city is located 7 hrs southeast of my house. when I saw that, I cried and  let out my hurt and disappointment. Daddy let me get it out. I eagerly waited for my husband's next letter, it arrived on the 08th of March. all this time I was beside myself not sharing anything except: 'my hubby's been moved' or 'he's been moved, again!'

just b4 receiving his letter, I felt something break in my spirit. it wasn't huge or even noticeable at first. but I was in the process of writing my letter to him and the words I was writing made my spirit lift. I remembered a song from my childhood my mom would sing and I saw her face as I began singing it. here's the song:

sweet Holy Spirit

sweet heavenly dove

stay right here with me

filling me with your love

and for each blessing

I lift my heart in praise

without a doubt i'll know

that I have been revived

when I shall leave this place.

after singing that a couple times, I was "feeling" better. I also decided that I wasn't gonna lose my joy again. I will not give in. I will not give up. my Daddy has given me everything and I need to let him be God. so I am starting every morning reminding myself that the joy of the Lord is my strength. I will walk in forgiveness and walk in faith as well as live by faith. I will not give in to my enemy who only want to give up when I am so close to breaking thru and honoring God with crossing the finishing line in this chapter of my life. SATAN! BITE THE DUST!!
on 08 March 2019 I received a letter from Ken that read very upbeat. however, I found out that he had not had any meds since Monday, 25 February when he left Diboll. he was doin' his best to function and said that Holy Spirit was giving him the strength he needed to make it thru.
later on after getting settled in, he finally saw the unit doc and had a rather nice chat for about 30 minutes. the doc estimates that ken's thyroid is 2/3 dead and was probably helped by the noncompliance of the Diboll doc. so now my hubby is back on the 3 grains he was prescribed by the specialist he saw in late January/early February. hubby also shared how the food was much better at Segovia. he was getting all the veggies he could eat and other good, well-prepared food he could eat. Ken has said that this move is ordained by God. Daddy told him that after he arrived. it's taking a while readjusting to 67 roommates and making a routine that works for him. once again, he has nothing to do except what they require of the inmates. he is not on a work detail or helping out with anything.
me? I sit in my room most days cuz I'm looking for work. no insurance on a car that runs but needs work hinders my search. I made some choices that were wrong and now I and Daddy r working on making things right. it hasn't been easy. I am goin' thru emotions I had thought I worked thru already. I am goin' thru stuff, I really did not want to repeat with family. Daddy has me and is teaching me just how much he cares for me. he is doin' the same with Ken. together God is making us ready for our reuniting as husband and wife with Christ as the center of marriage. we r learning how to walk in love, forgiveness, GRACE, and mercy every day in our different circumstances and locals.
Hosea 10:12 has been working in both of our lives. we r about to experience the end part of that verse. both of us r learning to live Isaiah 41:10. I am learning how to live Matthew 7:7, 8. the love God has shown me thus far on this journey is sweet. I have learned and still learn that God's GRACE really is enough for each day he gives me.
I received a one page letter from Ken encouraging me to stay where I am but I will trust God and move forward wherever he leads and wherever he goes. I await the next part of my journey to the finish line of this part of my life.

 

another move, more changes

after my oldest's daughter's visit, my husband was moved from the ID unit Beto to the Wall where he stayed from 06-08 March 2018 as he was once again in transfer mode. y TDCJ does this is beyond me. but there is nothing I can do. so I wait for where I can visit him and I worried. I still had not completely rested in God's hands all of me. I fretted. I was scared. I was in myself and not very open to what God was actually doin' in me. I had it in my head that I could handle this and so I was not fully surrendered to Daddy. I found it hard trusting him and was really wondering how soon his SOON really is. however, I made progress in the right direction becuz I had a church family that was doin' their best to show me love, acceptance, and it's ok to fail. however, I didn't want to admit any failure. man! how I wish I would have admitted failure in the way God needed me to. I may not have gone thru what I did in the coming months.

on 08 March 2018, Ken found himself in a very different kind of prison. in one of his letters he called it the "cadillac of prisons". the inmates were in cells that were quite spacious and roomy. Ken was glad to have only one roommate instead of 67. in Beto, he was in a cell all by himself, which he thoroughly enjoyed cuz he could really get to praising and worshipping the Lord in a deep way.

the unit Ken was now a resident of was privately owned but run under TDCJ rules. he found some men of like faith as he and they formed friendships. Ken enjoyed interacting with the chaplain and being involved. he enrolled in classes and continued growing his relationship with Daddy. my first visit to Diboll Correctional Center was really very nice. just like the other units, security had to be gone thru but I noticed a difference that was good. not a heaviness there. it was much nicer. the visiting room was more open with real windows and a door! one of the guards told me they sometimes let visitation happen outside if the room is too full. I never experienced it there. the visiting room was much more like a cafeteria setting. the tables were set up in 4 rows of 3 tables with 4 stools attached. I could touch ken's had much easier than at Beto. however, the stools were so hard to sit on. I no longer have lots of padding on my butt. I have lost the weight I once had. so I endured the hard stools for 2 hours each visit.

then in May 2018 after Mother's Day, I could no longer afford to drive down for any visits. it would be 8 very long weeks b4 I would once again see my husband. this was the beginning of the end of me the way I knew myself. Daddy had begun to tear me up one side and down the other. I had thought he was done with me in 2017 but he was only beginning. in June 2018, I began the journey of finding me, Sandi.

in April 2018, I took it upon myself to redo the house and get it ready to sell. but I did not follow Daddy's instructions. I disobeyed him and ended up worse off than I have ever been in my entire life. I failed so bad I just about gave up. I couldn't see my way out and I no longer cared if anything happened what was promised. my failure did it's best to bring me down. it almost succeeded. in June 2018, a short bible study happened that opened my eyes to myself. how I was focused on the wrong thing. not truly focused on Daddy nor was I trusting him. my failure and how I thought about myself almost did me in. another thing/person that Daddy used was my youngest daughter. what I saw in her, I saw in me that I had dealt with in my past. Daddy was using her struggle to show me that I was not where I should be. so my journey to find Sandi was now on.

I started it by standing in front of the mirror in my bathroom and saying, "Sandi, u r forgiven. God, I forgive u. Please forgive me. Sandi, u r beautiful and u have no blemish." did I fully believe it yet, not really. but it was my beginning. my husband had been telling me in his letters that he is proud of me and I am beautiful. his written words of love and encouragement started sinking in. my perception of who Sandi is was beginning to change. for so long, I was made to believe that I was worthless, no one really cared. I am not beautiful. my dreams r just that, dreams. but now the enemy was losing his grip on me becuz FEAR is a liar.

July saw the beginning of the end of owning the house my husband and I bought back in 1996 and where our 2 girls grew up. when I accepted an offer, I was relieved to be leaving that place but not relishing losing my privacy. in the couple of months my daughter and her husband looked and looked for a place finally settling on one in Kaufman County. I have come to love the small room I live in. it is absolutely perfect. October 2018 the house was officially signed over and in November 2018, I began the hardest part thus far in my walk with God.

moving from my own house to a small room took some time getting used. but I really do love this little room I am in. but once again, I did not listen to what Daddy said to me. I tried once again to do it on my own.

During this time visiting Ken was sporadic cuz of finances. after not seeing him for 8 long weeks, I was able to visit him in late July 2018 and a few more times in August 2018. September 2018 I saw him twice and in October 2018 I saw him 3 times. October 19, 2018 I saw him for almost 8 hrs and got to announce to all that attended the gathering he was gonna be a Papaw again. 8) in November, I saw him twice. and in December the same. December 23, 2018 was the last time I saw that year. it would be another 8 weeks before I would see him again.

Ken during all this time was attending his classes and finally got to do something. becuz of his age, his back surgery, and hypothyroidism the TDCJ would not let him work. I think Daddy wanted Ken to do nothing but spend time in God's word and build a right relationship with him. so not until Ken did that did Daddy open the door to be able to "work". he got to help with set up of church, screens, and sound system. he even got to run the sound system and make it sound perfect. Daddy was also using this new "job" to help Ken handle some little stuff that still needed to be weeded out. Ken failed and triumphed in these just as I was. Daddy was finally getting us ready to come back together.

well, now it is January 2019, I had been relunctantly looking for work but not really pushing it. for one, my car was now the only one working. that's right! I used it as an excuse. if I had listened to Daddy, I would have had a job already. but I didn't and now I live with the consequences. as I now take Less to work, I do not withhold or save what money I have left. I spend it on Less so he can do a better job. I was supposed to save that money and I didn't. all of January saw no visit with my husband. my daughter was putting only enough fuel to get Less to work and back. I was so hurt. of course, I resented it and was hurt. but Daddy had me. he was making look at myself and take my eyes off of people. my focus still was not on God, but myself and people.

February 2018 and my birthday was lonely. no visit with my husband. at this time, I am actually looking for a job. I am still not focusing on Daddy. I am trusting him only so much. I have become so heavy and lonely. I really thought no one really cared. I tried to put a good face on but my eyes told the truth. I was losing it.

all this time, my church family encouraged me. they loved me. they didn't judge me or push me away. I am still surprised at this and I know God has put me here. a few times I was tempted to leave that church family but I kept hearing the voice of a friend say, 'I'm not goin' anywhere. I will stay and see what God does.' and on March 17, 2019 she will get married. another friend drew out the truth from deep within me even tho she had a difficult time hearing what I said. but she cared enough to let me speak. it's not easy be torn apart by Daddy.

Ken in the meantime was struggling with the doc at the prison. the doc pulled his meds. he went from 3 grains to none. Ken coped the best he could until he finally had labs done in late December. the doc still did not let him have what he needed. only 1 grain until the labs came back. and then seeing that his TSH was so high only gave him .25 more. so for January, my husband was barely able to function 1.25 grains. in my opinion, that doc should be removed. but I have no say in that. it felt like the doc wanted my husband to die. but God helped Ken each day and got him thru. when I saw him on our anniversary February 23, 2018, I noticed that his thyroid was enlarged. I also saw it in December. February, the doc had him on 2 grains and no KOP even tho the specialist said Ken needed to be on 3 grains and to KOP. Ken filed 2 separate grievances. one in December and another in January I believe. the doc at Diboll threatened to have him moved to a facility that had 2 pill windows a day.

the visit on 23 February was not a peaceful one. in fact it was heavy. little did I know what was coming. I felt heavy for a while before the visit and then for a week more. we celebrated 34 years of marriage that day.

the feeling I had was so heavy. I did not want to drive back to the house and be reminded of my loneliness. I did not want to leave my husband at all. something was happening but I had no idea what.

my love for Ken has deepened and I have written it all in my journal that I hand write. I long for my husband to be here with me no matter where here is. I watch my married friends interact with one another and long to do the same. but I can't right now. this has definitely made its mark on me.

it's been a while...

 

I am so sorry I have not kept up this blog over the past couple of years.  to be honest, I had no real desire to becuz of all that I was goin' thru. so over the next few days, I will tell about mine and Ken's journey thru the TDCJ. I will not go into deep detail as we r still walking this road. I really want to share the struggle that we went thru and how Daddy got us both thru. this will pretty much be an overview of the different struggles, events, and situations we faced the past 2 yrs to the present day.

 

AFTER THE TRIAL and INTO TDCJ

when I saw ken walk thru the courtroom doors opposite me on 25 May 2017 to the hallway of incarceration, I was devastated. I was completely alone. I had no idea what he was in for now did he. I had no idea how I would keep goin'. the man that was my husband looked like a dead man walking. he looked defeated, walked defeated, and had no life in his eyes. my husband was now a convicted felon. I am now the wife of a convicted felon.

 

that first weekend was hard. I found out that I could visit so I did. my youngest daughter went with me. I was nervous, without a clue as to what I was supposed to do. but there were people waiting that helped me and I was so glad for that. seems Daddy was making sure I knew he was looking out for me. so I see my husband for the first time. he didn't look much different from when we parted that day. he told me that his thyroid meds were taken away and he had not had any since that day he was booked. I tried to be strong and upbeat but I was scared and unsure.

we were separated by glass so we had to use a phone to speak to one another. not fun for me at all. it was hard.

after leaving, I struggled to put things right. and that struggled continued cuz I had a hard time focusing on God. I couldn't really see passed myself. I visited my husband every weekend and we chatted as often as we could on the phone while he was in county jail. I found out that he didn't get any meds until 8 days in to his stay at county. that was after I had our doc call them. it was frustrating to see my husband suffer like that. I almost lost him in 2009 becuz of this hypothyroid stuff. they gave him 2 grains, which kept him functioning enough to obey the guards and have mobility.

he stayed in county jail until 26 June 2017 when he was moved to Gurney where he was processed into the TDCJ (Texas Department of Criminal Justice).

ken was in Gurney located in Palestine, TX from 26 June 2017 to 05 December 2017 when he was moved to Byrd in Huntsville, TX where he stayed from 05-15 December 2017.

once he left county jail, there were no more phone calls cuz TDCJ doesn't allow my carrier. it's a month to month one and they want a contract carrier. oh well. snail mail will have to be good enough. however, I am able to send email to him, he can't answer me tho. I get all answers in snail mail.

on 15 December 2017, my husband was moved to an ID unit. something we were told he would not see becuz of his short sentence. but for some reason he was placed there. he stayed there until 06 March 2018. Beto is right next door to Gurney. go figure.

while ken was in county jail, my life was a mess. my youngest daughter and her family moved in with me. I was glad they were there but I was also frustrated they were there. looking back, I wish I had done a few things differently. ken and I were both looking at ourselves while he was county jail. God was doin' a complete tear down in him and I was goin' thru questions and emotions of all sorts. one mail question I had to truly face was "do I still want to fight for my marriage?" after a few letters, I chose to forgive and fight for my marriage knowing full well what it meant. I also learned a lot thru the letters he wrote while in county jail.

then while ken was still county jail, I learned that my mom, brother, sister, and the others didn't want me at her wedding. what a shock when I was looking forward to escaping the situation for a short time to celebrate my mom. so as I finished her shawl, I did it with a heavy heart and couldn't careless if she liked it or not. I was so hurt. it took a long time to forgive but I forgive and have since let them know. I still travelled to the hotel ken and I booked back in April2017 cuz I couldn't get a refund. I didn't tell them I was there until that night of my mom's wedding. I saw the clouds coming in and asked Daddy to keep the rain away but it rained good and hard. I thought "wow! Daddy is sad I was excluded." I sat the desk in my room writing in my journal, still not able to see passed myself and who I now was.

I headed from there to Missouri to my sister-in-law who should have been home but had a massive heart-attack and was in hospital. on the road cruising 60 mph in the Blue Ridge Mountains, I got a 2 phone calls. one telling me that I am ok from my doc. the other that Ken was now on 3 grains of thyroid meds. I was also overwhelmed by Daddy as he told me what my story was. my story doesn't involve prison, drugs or alcohol. in fact, my story ain't much to look at. Daddy told me that my story was patient endurance and enduring patiently. Daddy showed me glimpses of my life as I patiently waited or endured situations that hurt deeply.

when I arrived in Missouri, I got situated and headed to hospital. I waited for my time to be able to sit with Sarai. as I sat in her room one day I saw that she seemed to alert. so I stood by her bedside and spoke directly to her. I told her my ken was ok. and it's ok to let go. I stayed one nite in a hotel there in Missouri.

I left to go stay in Bartlesville, OK in the same hotel on ken's and i's last visit. as I left my room on the 5th floor, I distinctively heard Daddy say, "do u want to come back here with ken?" I said, "yes. could we?" u see, God had told ken that when he came home, he needed to "GO". so ken believes that he is to first "GO" heal his marriage, then the rest of the family and friends he hurt and follow where Daddy leads. so I have been believing for the impossible for over 2 yrs now. really ever since this whole thing started in 2015.

I stayed for 2 nites in Bartlesville. I left on Friday morning cuz I wanted to make it for my first visitation with ken since county jail.

as I started out on my drive to Palestine, TX on HWY75, I got this pain in my chest like I was having a heart attack. but I wasn't. it was Daddy telling me something. I quickly thought thru stuff and landed on Sarai. I called out her name. "SARAI!" then I said, "she's gone, isn't she? Goodbye, Sarai." I drove on my way with a heavy heart but knew that one day, we will see each other again and then we could have our tea and chat then.

I arrived in Palestine, TX for what would be many visits at the Holiday Inn Express on Friday afternoon. I got my stuff in my room and relaxed the rest of the nite.

Saturday mornin' saw me up early so I could get to see ken. the visit was behind glass. but that was ok. I got to see him. when he entered the visiting area, I saw a glow I had not seen before. I could see it surrounding him, in his eyes, and his countenance. it was so good to see him. I felt like a little kid. our conversations consisted of stuff like the house, grandkids, and us. concerns were very much part of every conversation. we hadn't yet learned how to leave them in God's capable hands. God had done a wonderful work in my husband and I am seeing it for the first time. each visit from then on was anticipated.

 

at the end of July, God spoke to ken: I will execute extreme judgement on your behalf in your case and u will be home sooner than your paperwork says.

 

on the 27th of August I got to touch my husband for the first time in over 3 months. my first hug from him was so nice. that first kiss was special beyond anything thus far. holding his hand and his face in my hands was heavenly. Daddy was still working on him and me. him more so at the time.

I came to enjoy the drive down to our visit every week. the drive was my way of refreshing and relaxing. I love to travel. so I really enjoy long drives.

on one of those long drives, I was crying cuz Daddy was beginning the work in me that he needed to do. ya c, I had been holding blame against God, had unforgiveness in me and Daddy needed me to let that go. Daddy wanted me to forgive not only him but myself, my oldest daughter and my family. it was not easy to any of it. forgiving God was the first thing I did. my hearts cry has since become 'I want to live your heart, Daddy.' forgiving my oldest daughter came next.

on 31October2017 I met face to face with my oldest daughter. I told her everything I could and asked her forgiveness. we reconnected over the next few weeks slowly. I enjoyed seeing my oldest grandchildren once again. please pray for them as they have needs only God can handle.

Thanksgiving came and went. Christmas came and went. both holidays were very low-key for me. both my kids did their best to make it happy for all. these holidays r difficult for me anyway cuz my father died on 02 December 1997. I have not enjoyed that time of year for quite a while. I do my best to make it good for others.

by this time, my oldest daughter decides she wants to see her dad. so she makes sure her name is on the list of visitors. on 04 March 2018 she visits. the visit was ok. she could not see the change God had done in her dad. that is the sad part.

 

I will stop here and continue in the next post.