after my oldest's daughter's visit, my husband was moved from the ID unit Beto to the Wall where he stayed from 06-08 March 2018 as he was once again in transfer mode. y TDCJ does this is beyond me. but there is nothing I can do. so I wait for where I can visit him and I worried. I still had not completely rested in God's hands all of me. I fretted. I was scared. I was in myself and not very open to what God was actually doin' in me. I had it in my head that I could handle this and so I was not fully surrendered to Daddy. I found it hard trusting him and was really wondering how soon his SOON really is. however, I made progress in the right direction becuz I had a church family that was doin' their best to show me love, acceptance, and it's ok to fail. however, I didn't want to admit any failure. man! how I wish I would have admitted failure in the way God needed me to. I may not have gone thru what I did in the coming months.
on 08 March 2018, Ken found himself in a very different kind of prison. in one of his letters he called it the "cadillac of prisons". the inmates were in cells that were quite spacious and roomy. Ken was glad to have only one roommate instead of 67. in Beto, he was in a cell all by himself, which he thoroughly enjoyed cuz he could really get to praising and worshipping the Lord in a deep way.
the unit Ken was now a resident of was privately owned but run under TDCJ rules. he found some men of like faith as he and they formed friendships. Ken enjoyed interacting with the chaplain and being involved. he enrolled in classes and continued growing his relationship with Daddy. my first visit to Diboll Correctional Center was really very nice. just like the other units, security had to be gone thru but I noticed a difference that was good. not a heaviness there. it was much nicer. the visiting room was more open with real windows and a door! one of the guards told me they sometimes let visitation happen outside if the room is too full. I never experienced it there. the visiting room was much more like a cafeteria setting. the tables were set up in 4 rows of 3 tables with 4 stools attached. I could touch ken's had much easier than at Beto. however, the stools were so hard to sit on. I no longer have lots of padding on my butt. I have lost the weight I once had. so I endured the hard stools for 2 hours each visit.
then in May 2018 after Mother's Day, I could no longer afford to drive down for any visits. it would be 8 very long weeks b4 I would once again see my husband. this was the beginning of the end of me the way I knew myself. Daddy had begun to tear me up one side and down the other. I had thought he was done with me in 2017 but he was only beginning. in June 2018, I began the journey of finding me, Sandi.
in April 2018, I took it upon myself to redo the house and get it ready to sell. but I did not follow Daddy's instructions. I disobeyed him and ended up worse off than I have ever been in my entire life. I failed so bad I just about gave up. I couldn't see my way out and I no longer cared if anything happened what was promised. my failure did it's best to bring me down. it almost succeeded. in June 2018, a short bible study happened that opened my eyes to myself. how I was focused on the wrong thing. not truly focused on Daddy nor was I trusting him. my failure and how I thought about myself almost did me in. another thing/person that Daddy used was my youngest daughter. what I saw in her, I saw in me that I had dealt with in my past. Daddy was using her struggle to show me that I was not where I should be. so my journey to find Sandi was now on.
I started it by standing in front of the mirror in my bathroom and saying, "Sandi, u r forgiven. God, I forgive u. Please forgive me. Sandi, u r beautiful and u have no blemish." did I fully believe it yet, not really. but it was my beginning. my husband had been telling me in his letters that he is proud of me and I am beautiful. his written words of love and encouragement started sinking in. my perception of who Sandi is was beginning to change. for so long, I was made to believe that I was worthless, no one really cared. I am not beautiful. my dreams r just that, dreams. but now the enemy was losing his grip on me becuz FEAR is a liar.
July saw the beginning of the end of owning the house my husband and I bought back in 1996 and where our 2 girls grew up. when I accepted an offer, I was relieved to be leaving that place but not relishing losing my privacy. in the couple of months my daughter and her husband looked and looked for a place finally settling on one in Kaufman County. I have come to love the small room I live in. it is absolutely perfect. October 2018 the house was officially signed over and in November 2018, I began the hardest part thus far in my walk with God.
moving from my own house to a small room took some time getting used. but I really do love this little room I am in. but once again, I did not listen to what Daddy said to me. I tried once again to do it on my own.
During this time visiting Ken was sporadic cuz of finances. after not seeing him for 8 long weeks, I was able to visit him in late July 2018 and a few more times in August 2018. September 2018 I saw him twice and in October 2018 I saw him 3 times. October 19, 2018 I saw him for almost 8 hrs and got to announce to all that attended the gathering he was gonna be a Papaw again. 8) in November, I saw him twice. and in December the same. December 23, 2018 was the last time I saw that year. it would be another 8 weeks before I would see him again.
Ken during all this time was attending his classes and finally got to do something. becuz of his age, his back surgery, and hypothyroidism the TDCJ would not let him work. I think Daddy wanted Ken to do nothing but spend time in God's word and build a right relationship with him. so not until Ken did that did Daddy open the door to be able to "work". he got to help with set up of church, screens, and sound system. he even got to run the sound system and make it sound perfect. Daddy was also using this new "job" to help Ken handle some little stuff that still needed to be weeded out. Ken failed and triumphed in these just as I was. Daddy was finally getting us ready to come back together.
well, now it is January 2019, I had been relunctantly looking for work but not really pushing it. for one, my car was now the only one working. that's right! I used it as an excuse. if I had listened to Daddy, I would have had a job already. but I didn't and now I live with the consequences. as I now take Less to work, I do not withhold or save what money I have left. I spend it on Less so he can do a better job. I was supposed to save that money and I didn't. all of January saw no visit with my husband. my daughter was putting only enough fuel to get Less to work and back. I was so hurt. of course, I resented it and was hurt. but Daddy had me. he was making look at myself and take my eyes off of people. my focus still was not on God, but myself and people.
February 2018 and my birthday was lonely. no visit with my husband. at this time, I am actually looking for a job. I am still not focusing on Daddy. I am trusting him only so much. I have become so heavy and lonely. I really thought no one really cared. I tried to put a good face on but my eyes told the truth. I was losing it.
all this time, my church family encouraged me. they loved me. they didn't judge me or push me away. I am still surprised at this and I know God has put me here. a few times I was tempted to leave that church family but I kept hearing the voice of a friend say, 'I'm not goin' anywhere. I will stay and see what God does.' and on March 17, 2019 she will get married. another friend drew out the truth from deep within me even tho she had a difficult time hearing what I said. but she cared enough to let me speak. it's not easy be torn apart by Daddy.
Ken in the meantime was struggling with the doc at the prison. the doc pulled his meds. he went from 3 grains to none. Ken coped the best he could until he finally had labs done in late December. the doc still did not let him have what he needed. only 1 grain until the labs came back. and then seeing that his TSH was so high only gave him .25 more. so for January, my husband was barely able to function 1.25 grains. in my opinion, that doc should be removed. but I have no say in that. it felt like the doc wanted my husband to die. but God helped Ken each day and got him thru. when I saw him on our anniversary February 23, 2018, I noticed that his thyroid was enlarged. I also saw it in December. February, the doc had him on 2 grains and no KOP even tho the specialist said Ken needed to be on 3 grains and to KOP. Ken filed 2 separate grievances. one in December and another in January I believe. the doc at Diboll threatened to have him moved to a facility that had 2 pill windows a day.
the visit on 23 February was not a peaceful one. in fact it was heavy. little did I know what was coming. I felt heavy for a while before the visit and then for a week more. we celebrated 34 years of marriage that day.
the feeling I had was so heavy. I did not want to drive back to the house and be reminded of my loneliness. I did not want to leave my husband at all. something was happening but I had no idea what.
my love for Ken has deepened and I have written it all in my journal that I hand write. I long for my husband to be here with me no matter where here is. I watch my married friends interact with one another and long to do the same. but I can't right now. this has definitely made its mark on me.
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