have u ever had a feeling that really bothered u? I have and do right now. it's one that I have had for a over a year and is once again prevalent. this feeling can be very devastating and lead to loneliness.
I have spent many a day, rough late nite, and thinking on this one feeling. this feeling has been evident in my life for many, many, many years. growing up this feeling caused me to feel isolated, lonely, alone in a crowd, and unworthy. I had a hard time making friends cuz I never felt part of the group or wanted at all. becuz of this feeling, I was always on the outside.
finding a husband I thought would not happen cuz I felt ugly. other girls were pretty and fun and everything I wasn't. everything I really wanted somehow was out of reach for me. but I snagged a wonderful man. he had a motorcycle and wanted to share it with me. we rode as often as we could. I still felt unworthy or worthless tho. but now I had a friend that wanted to hang out with me and we did. we got married, had 2 girls, and now have 5 grandchildren with one "in the oven". but I still felt unloved and unwanted. and that feeling started to become prevalent once again. but this time, this feeling actually happened. when my husband was forcibly removed from me on 25 May 2017. how am I living now? how have I kept goin'? only one word: Jesus! becuz of my relationship with Christ Jesus, I have been able to keep my head above water but just barely. this feeling that is very prevalent in my life right now has once again surfaced in an "in your face" kinda way. I am struggling with this feeling.
this feeling I thought I had finally dealt with is not finished messing with me. I dealt with it when I was asked to not attend my mom's wedding in 2017. and now I am facing it again. it's not an easy feeling to get thru nor is it fun.
I have been struggling these past couple years with many "feelings" and emotions. I have faced quite a few things alone for the first time in my life with some support but mostly I was alone. the one thing I faced alone was my relationship with people. I have always wanted a friend but never got one. it was lonely for me. I did everything I could think of. I made time for people, I listened, I gave of myself. still I was not accepted. my relationship with God grew deeper and deeper. with people I was left feeling used and not wanted. even today, I still feel like this. this feeling of not being wanted or being an inconvenience is very disheartening.
how do I get thru this? many times I have cried deep gut wrenching tears. I have lived with this "feeling" for over 30 yrs. yes, my own husband made me feel this way. I have learned to go to Daddy. the pain, however, still stings very hard.
now I am faced with the "feeling" all over again from those I thought would never do something like this. trusting people is already hard for me. and now, trusting people has become a bit more difficult, especially family.
if u think u know what that "feeling" is, good for u. the only people that would know is someone who has been forgotten, left behind, or in prison.
I am walking a road I never thought I would walk. now I will walk it alone in just a few days. many people have helped me and I appreciate all the help. this too is a road I never knew I would walk. it's a road that only God can make happen. all the pain, patient endurance, and the tears have led to. so I walk with my hand tightly holding onto Papa's hand. it's scary but I am not really alone. I have the best friend anyone could have with me. I do have church family that encourage. and at times, I can talk to my mom.
the pain of this "feeling" brings tears even now. but I have my best friend with me and I know I will learn something that God will use later on. my faith will be tested and stretched. I will trust in my God and keep that 'joy of the Lord' as my strength. his AMAZING GRACE is the greatest adventure in life. I am gonna enjoy the adventure ahead of me and share Jesus as I move by "putting one foot in front of the other". Isaiah 41:10 reminds me to not fear. Psalm 23:4 reminds me that the Lord is with me thru the dark valleys and his rod and staff protect and comfort me. so with that I get my feet moving.
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